So, I should really be packing and getting ready to hit the road for Rochester. However, I have had this urge to blog the past few days but couldn't seem to find the words to what express what has been on my heart this week. But, tonight, as I should be eagerly preparing to go home, something beckons me to sit and write. This blog could be very messy and I appologize ahead of time if my words do not seem well thought out.
Lately, I have had this overwhelming heaviness in my heart that I just don't belong. I feel like I am lacking a community or fellowship. Don't get me wrong, I have an amazing family, belong and am involved in a super great church, and I work some fantastic (well, most of the time) people. I have more than a lot of people have - but yet, I can't shake the feeling that I just don't know where my place is.
At times, I feel extremely discouraged about this. As I look around and see all my friends marrying the person who suits and completes them the way God intended and now, as I start to watch them welcome babies into their families, I can't help but feel like I am alone. Although, they love me dearly and accept me as I am, I am now at a completely different place in life than some of my closest friends. I can't help but wonder, "God, where do I fit in and how do you want to use this season in my life." There are times, I feel like I am the only one who feels like this... but turn on any Christian radio station and I am reminded that I am not. Even years ago, Michael W. Smith told us all that he was just looking for his place in this world.
As I wonder, pray, and struggle through the situation - which, of course, has included a lot tears - I remember the words from a hymn that I learned as a kid.
"This world is not home, I'm just passing through
If Heaven's not my home, oh Lord, what will I do.
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,
and I can't feel at home in this world anymore."
It makes me stop and wonder. How many of God's people felt like strangers in a foreign land. Even Christ himself, although surround by 12 men who wanted to in His company, surely felt like a stranger as He was wrapped in flesh and became man. God desires for us to be part of a community of believers, but this world is not home. In 2 Corinthians 5, Paul talks about how this earthly life is like a tent, merely a temporary dwelling... but in Heaven we will live an eternal houses. This life is meant to be temporary and if we don't always feel like we belong here, it is because this world is not my home. And while, I may be tempted to try to find ways to be more comfortable here, I am also remember that I am to store up treasures in Heaven and not to worry about making myself more comfortable here.
So, as I wait and seek God's will for the day to day in my life, I covet your prayers; and I remember these words:
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Hebrews 10:35-36
So this week has been a rough one. The weekend was an emotional one, not a bad one, but emotional. So often I find myself wondering what God is doing in my life. I like things to be neat and orderly and I like to have a reason for what I am doing while I am doing it. However, God asks me to trust Him rather than just allowing me to mess up my own life by giving me the control. I have been wrestling with some things in my heart for a few years, struggling to find the answers so something could make sense in all the hurt and suffering. Saturday night God opened my eyes. For approximately 18 months, I have asked God to help me heal from this major wound. I felt completely hopeless - thinking that it would be a pain that I would carry around with me indefinitely. But, in some miraclous way, God found a way where I thought there couldn't be one. As I look back over the past months to see how God had been healing my heart without me even knowing it - I am moved to tears. I spent hours on Saturday night just crying tears of gratitude. I am thankful for the way He loves me and I am grateful for the people He uses in my life. The crying continued into Sunday and I felt exhausted from it, despite feeling joyful over a God who loves me.
So, feeling emotionally exhausted, I decided to start off the week with a 32 hour shift!! (Smart, huh?) I went straight from work, to the voting poll, to a youth leaders training in the cities - which was very good. It wasn't until 10:30 at night that I returned to the city of Albert Lea and still needed to spend an hour or two in the office. My plate was full. Satan was pounding me down telling me that I was failing at the task that God has given me, my flesh so desperately wanted me to give up and just forgot the difficulties of trying to manage a more-then-full-time job and youth ministry and just go back to when I could enjoy my days off by taking long naps (my favorite hobby), walking my dog, going to the gym, and focusing on myself. I was a mess - and so I showed up on the Stadhiem's door step sharing my heart with the someone who knows EXACTLY I am I at. After an hour and half of crying with Sarah, I pulled it together (even feeling somewhat refreshed) and made my way into the office to do somework.
Today, I am back on the ambulance - utterly exhausted. I have a list longer than I even know that needs to be completely tomorrow. I am not sure when I am going to get it all done, because most of my days is booked up with meetings. But, I came across this verse tonight.
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:35-36
This last week in CSI we talked about meekness. You could ask any of my students and they would tell you that meekness is strength under control. Our confidence and strength comes from God. He made it very clear to me that I am to be where I am - despite whether I think it is an easy road. In July, when I was telling myself I was crazy for even thinking that I felt God was convicting me to move forward with youth ministry, I spent a lot of time praying "God if this is your will, make it undeniably clear." He convicted me of His Will through a speaker and the book of Acts.
From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. Acts 17:26-27
So, feeling emotionally exhausted, I decided to start off the week with a 32 hour shift!! (Smart, huh?) I went straight from work, to the voting poll, to a youth leaders training in the cities - which was very good. It wasn't until 10:30 at night that I returned to the city of Albert Lea and still needed to spend an hour or two in the office. My plate was full. Satan was pounding me down telling me that I was failing at the task that God has given me, my flesh so desperately wanted me to give up and just forgot the difficulties of trying to manage a more-then-full-time job and youth ministry and just go back to when I could enjoy my days off by taking long naps (my favorite hobby), walking my dog, going to the gym, and focusing on myself. I was a mess - and so I showed up on the Stadhiem's door step sharing my heart with the someone who knows EXACTLY I am I at. After an hour and half of crying with Sarah, I pulled it together (even feeling somewhat refreshed) and made my way into the office to do somework.
Today, I am back on the ambulance - utterly exhausted. I have a list longer than I even know that needs to be completely tomorrow. I am not sure when I am going to get it all done, because most of my days is booked up with meetings. But, I came across this verse tonight.
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.
Hebrews 10:35-36
This last week in CSI we talked about meekness. You could ask any of my students and they would tell you that meekness is strength under control. Our confidence and strength comes from God. He made it very clear to me that I am to be where I am - despite whether I think it is an easy road. In July, when I was telling myself I was crazy for even thinking that I felt God was convicting me to move forward with youth ministry, I spent a lot of time praying "God if this is your will, make it undeniably clear." He convicted me of His Will through a speaker and the book of Acts.
From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands. God did this so that they would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from any one of us. Acts 17:26-27
God placed me in Albert Lea, MN at this exact season of my life so that others (and myself) would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and FIND HIM. That is my confidence; that is what I must cling to, despite the fact that I am weary and tired, that is why I must perserve... This is what God has called me to and I must serve Him faithfully or what purpose do I have in this life.
I know that there are many out there who are like me - exhausted, weary, and ready to give up. But I encourage you, Don't throw away your confidence for you will be richly reward.
Serving Him,
Kate
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
As Years Go By...
God has not called us to an easy life, but yet to one that is filled with great purpose and passion. It was a year ago, October 19th 2009, as I was driving home from a heart wrenching meeting that I felt an undeniable sense I was about to embark on a journey that would be one of the most challenging times of my adult life (at least thus far).
I look back now to know that my 25th year was by far one of the most challenging and stretching times of my life. God has led me out of heartache that I was sure would consume me forever to a peace knowing the lessons I have learned are for His glory. God asked me to make decisions that were astronomically difficult to make and completely impossible to understand at the time. There were times I have never felt more alone and times where God opened my eyes to family of supporters I have. He has introduced me to inspirations of grace and reminders of mercy that encourage and challenge me to step up and be who God created me to be. God has given me opportunities to see how His Strength is perfected in my weakness. I watch in awe of how God can use a simple failure like me to impact others for Him.
I am grateful for the years I have been given, knowing that each of them are a gift from God. They are a gift that I take for granted, but I know that I was bought with a price; a steep price that I could never pay on my own. So as I look ahead to the next year of my life, I pray that God will use me in the ways He chooses and that I will accept His will and step up to the challenge so that when this life is over and my years are through, I will hear Him say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
I look back now to know that my 25th year was by far one of the most challenging and stretching times of my life. God has led me out of heartache that I was sure would consume me forever to a peace knowing the lessons I have learned are for His glory. God asked me to make decisions that were astronomically difficult to make and completely impossible to understand at the time. There were times I have never felt more alone and times where God opened my eyes to family of supporters I have. He has introduced me to inspirations of grace and reminders of mercy that encourage and challenge me to step up and be who God created me to be. God has given me opportunities to see how His Strength is perfected in my weakness. I watch in awe of how God can use a simple failure like me to impact others for Him.
I am grateful for the years I have been given, knowing that each of them are a gift from God. They are a gift that I take for granted, but I know that I was bought with a price; a steep price that I could never pay on my own. So as I look ahead to the next year of my life, I pray that God will use me in the ways He chooses and that I will accept His will and step up to the challenge so that when this life is over and my years are through, I will hear Him say “Well done, my good and faithful servant.”
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas
I cannot believe Christmas has come and gone!!! I started this post about 3 weeks ago but got a 911 call and never finished. Being a new home owner means many new things and having my very own Christmas tree is one of them.
I went through a lot trouble trying to get a Christmas tree. I didn't want to go out and buy one because I knew I would be able to get one for cheap after Christmas when everything went on clearance. I had 4 different people offer to give me a tree or loan me a tree however, all four of them didn't work out. Finally, my one of my fellow female EMTs offered me her old one and even delivered it for me!!!
She still had lights on it, so although I was planning on putting white lights on it - I decided to stick with her colored lights. However, once we plugged it in we found that one of the strings worked perfectly and other string only the red lights would work. So the bottom of my tree was multi-colored and the top half was red - I decided this was not the look I was going for. So, I took the lights off and placed my white lights on, which were courtesy of one of the ER nurses, and my cheap walmart decorations (which only total $15.00). All in the all, I think it turned out really cute!!! I enjoyed it for several weeks and then took it down right before New Years. In the end, I didn't end up buying a new tree after Christmas.
Monday, November 10, 2008
First Day as a Homeowner
Friday was my first official day living in Albert Lea! I spent the morning sleeping in and the rest of the day unpacking and running errands. Thursday night at 10pm, much to my dismay, I realized I own absolutely no silverware. Since I had no finger food, this made dinner an interesting adventure. Thankfully, the former owners left me a package of popsicle sticks which served as a butter knife so I could spread peanut butter on a piece of toast!! Anyways, one of my first purchases on Friday morning was silverware.
Friday night Deborah, Tasha, and I headed out to the city arena for the Albert Lea Thunder Game. Deborah's boyfriend, Wade, and Tasha's husband, John have season tickets to the game. They graciously allowed us to use their tickets that night so we could have a girls night out. We were joined by our the head of ER/OB nursing, Joy Shaft.
Deborah and Joy had decided last week that they needed to buy noise makers and the joke of the night became that Joy had purchased an airhorn and Deborah brought me along.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
The Chair
One of the things that I am most grateful for in the current stage of my life is a job that allows me time to spend with God while I'm on the clock and an employer on the lake. This summer I made it my habit to try and spend about an hour out by the lake reading my bible and praying every shift. There was a certain spot behind the hospital where I liked to sit - it was secluded and gave me a great opportunity to spend time with God alone in a very busy atomsphere. And best of all, this spot came with a chair.. a random plastic lawn chair just sitting out by its lonesome. One day in the begininning of September, this chair disappeared much to my dismay. I haven't spent much time outside since then because the ground has become cold and somewhat damp and also because there has been a large amount of duck poop anywhere I wanted to sit.
However, today, I really felt like I needed to be outside and to spend some quality time with God. I walked out to my usual spot expecting to sit on the ground... and BOOM, there is was my chair!!! I was so excited. It was a beautiful day out and I greatly enjoyed looking across the lake and seeing the street my new house sits on and enjoying the fall beauty.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Kosova
I recently had the opportunity to go to Kosova (Kosovo) with a group of 10 people from Autumn Ridge Church. It was an absolutely fabulous time and I loved getting to know so many Kosovars as well as the many wonderful members of my team. God opened my eyes to many blessings that we have here in the United States. It is with new eyes that I look at suffering and trusting God. I am thankful that God cares about even the sparrows and that He has time to comfort us all in our troubles, because compared to Kosovars - I don't have a clue as to what trouble, pain or suffering really is. I am thankful that God cares about my broken heart as much as he does the broken and devastated nation of Kosova.
My sister bought me luggage for graduation in May... this is definitely one the best gifts ever. Have easily recognized luggage that is light weight and rolls smoothly was so nice. Also, on my list of best things ever to travel with includes the light weight fleece I wore everywhere in Kosova and ambien which allowed me to sleep the entire trip from DC to Vienna and get 8 hours of sleep every night.
In Vienna, we were able to spend several hours exploring. It was nice to stretch our legs and see the beautiful city. We took what was called the Cat Cab - which I always ended up calling the Cash Cab - into the city from the airport before splitting up to do some sight seeing. Beth and I tried to get our picture taken by a "statue" but he started singing and grabbed my hand so i could not escape - nor could i quit laughing.
Bill Clinton is huge in Kosova. The biggest street in the capital is Bill Clinton Blvd and I was most of all surprised to see a picture of Bill Clinton hanging in the church... but sure enough - they love him.
It has been an adjustment coming home. I miss my new friends and not having a group of 9 others to carry me through difficult moments is tough. I'll include a few more pictures here. To my Kosovar friends, thank you for opening your hearts and blessing us with so many good things.
One of my favorite pictures:
One of the beautiful views we saw. This is taken in Istog which was the furtherest north we travelled in Kosova.
About one half of the children we had attend the local children's ministry the first week we were there.
My sister bought me luggage for graduation in May... this is definitely one the best gifts ever. Have easily recognized luggage that is light weight and rolls smoothly was so nice. Also, on my list of best things ever to travel with includes the light weight fleece I wore everywhere in Kosova and ambien which allowed me to sleep the entire trip from DC to Vienna and get 8 hours of sleep every night.
In Vienna, we were able to spend several hours exploring. It was nice to stretch our legs and see the beautiful city. We took what was called the Cat Cab - which I always ended up calling the Cash Cab - into the city from the airport before splitting up to do some sight seeing. Beth and I tried to get our picture taken by a "statue" but he started singing and grabbed my hand so i could not escape - nor could i quit laughing.
Bill Clinton is huge in Kosova. The biggest street in the capital is Bill Clinton Blvd and I was most of all surprised to see a picture of Bill Clinton hanging in the church... but sure enough - they love him.
It has been an adjustment coming home. I miss my new friends and not having a group of 9 others to carry me through difficult moments is tough. I'll include a few more pictures here. To my Kosovar friends, thank you for opening your hearts and blessing us with so many good things.
One of my favorite pictures:
One of the beautiful views we saw. This is taken in Istog which was the furtherest north we travelled in Kosova.
About one half of the children we had attend the local children's ministry the first week we were there.
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