Looking Forward and Looking Present

I have been wanting to blog for a couple weeks now, but unfortunately, I can't turn my laptop on. The power button is broken and today, while playing around with it to see if I could turn it on, I actually busted the power button all the way off. Smooth move, Ex-lax!! So, while my roommate is having dinner with a friend and then hanging out with her boyfriend - I am using her computer.. haha!! So, this blog will be rough as I get the hang of this whole Mac thing.


Lately, the future as been on my mind quite a bit. If you want to see a full-on panic attack, ask me where I see myself in five years. My answer will probably be in the form of a swift kick to your shins. I have no idea where I am gonna be in five years. I wish I did. I wish I knew where I wanted to be in five years. I wish I had a goal that I was working towards. I have thought about grad school, career changes, pay cuts. I have researched and dreamed, so much that it makes my heart ache because I want to know where I am going. The truth is, I don't know. I don't know where my life is going or how to prepare myself for the next stage. I am planner. I don't like being caught by surprise or being unprepared or unorganized. It makes me feel stupid and inadequate. I can feel the panic build up inside as I type about it, bringing tears to my eyes. The enemy knows my weakness so well. He knows just how to hit me. I am terrified that I won't ever move forward, that I will be stuck in this season forever. But then God whispers...

"Be Still and Know that I am God"

It is not my job to plan, it is responsibility my job to figure it out, it is not my obligation to answer the 5-year-plan questions. I only have to be still and recognize that God is God. He will redeem and purpose my life in His perfect timing.  

So instead, I want to share some of my favorite things about this season of my life.  Some of them have to do with my job, some my friends, some my faith. So join me as I count my blessings...

1) my absolutely favorite thing about my job is, hands-down, the air-horn. I am not talking about the little button located right next to the "manual" button on the siren that makes a angry growl when you hit it... nope, these are real, authentic, genuine air-horns with an air-compressor, foot-pedal, and all. I have never felt more powerful driving code-10 than I do whenever I BLAST that thing in the middle of standstill traffic.

2) A close second is the siren subwoofers. (You can read more here: http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_20725134/denver-ambulance-subwoofers-pound-out-noise-move-motorists)

3) I am getting to know my co-workers and I am learning to love them. After being patched for close to a month, I am starting to work shifts with repeat partners. Working with a new partner is like a 10 hour first date. Lots of "where are you from? how long have you been a paramedic? what do you like to do for fun." Really, everyone hates first dates... but now that I have got to work a few "second dates," I am actually having a lot of fun getting to know the people I work with.

4) My Roommate. Almost two months ago, my friend Amanda was matched for her residency in Greeley, CO. This meant that she couldn't sign a lease in Denver and she needed a place to live until she finished medical school.  I had been thinking about asking Amanda if she wanted to stay in my spare room, when she half-jokingly brought it up one night. We worked out of arrangements and she moved in 10 days later. At first, I really just thought I was doing her a favor, but she has quickly become one of my favorite things about this stage of life. We laugh a lot and we cry sometimes too. She doesn't seem to mind that I never take the garbage out or sometimes leave my dishes stack in the sink for days. I often find myself running late because it is so easy to sit around and talk to her instead of getting ready to leave. She is a blessing and I will be so sad to see her leave.

5) Harvest Bible Chapel - Denver. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Harvest - Denver. I love Jeff Schwarzentraub's preaching and I ADORE my small group. Harvest has made Denver home. And if you want to hear some great preaching, I encourage you to check out www.harvestdenver.org

6) Kristin Kishaba. Kristin is a kindred spirit who is an encouragement to me weekly. She is kind and generous and full of wise counsel. I appreciate her heart and I am so grateful that I get to walk this season of life with her.

7) Tara Rehrig.  Tara is possibly the funniest person I have met. We always cause a ruckus when we are together out in public. She is sarcastic and witty. A cheerful heart is good medicine, right??  Tara is bold and wonderful and again, I am blessed to walk this season of life with her.

Seven is a good number, right?? I think I will stop at lucky number seven.  Maybe someday soon I will know what the future looks like, but for now I will remember to look to the present and be thankful for the blessings God has given me today. He will be faithful again tomorrow and His five-year plan includes being faithful to me then.

Back in the Saddle

So, I have been MIA in the blogging world for the past seven months!! I have wanted to blog but it never feels right when I sit down to type. Tonight is no different. Blogging use to be so natural, so easy. I want to keep writing. Writing makes me better, it gives me a better perspective and always gives me a chance to reflect on what God is doing in my life. So, even though it feels a little funny, I am powering through and posting a blog. It probably won't be my favorite post, but it will get me back on track and writing again!

I didn't mean to take a break from blogging. Life just got crazy. Since my last blog, I packed up all of my belongings in a Budget Moving truck and moved to Colorado. It has been a challenging and growing experience, but in all honesty, I haven't seen a lot of the results of that growth. God is stretching me and continues to place me outside my comfort zone... and frankly, it is painful and so very humbling.

The word change has been on my mind a lot this week. Everything has changed. My heart aches for 24 hour shifts, four-day weekends, drives around the lake, long chats with co-workers, "crack-pot" meals, and landing helicopters on the interstate. Heck, I think I even miss Dusty-Bottoms telling me that I am pale and pastey. I miss PD stopping by to eat in my kitchen. I miss my family and my house. I miss my co-workers being my neighbors. I miss my youth group kids. 

Change is so peculiar because while it feels quite bitter, it leaves me with such sweet memories. As I evaluate things that are changing in my life currently, a phrase from 2 Corinthians 3:18 continues to run through my head, "changed from glory to glory."  I honestly don't even know the context of that verse, but God has used that phrase to remind me that change is a requirement in our lives, not only because that is simply how life goes, but also because it is the changes in our day-to-day lives that push us towards and makes us more like the one constant, never-changing thing: God. 

I have often said that my favorite characteristic about God is that He is constant. Change is bittersweet. God uses it for our good, but thankfully, He never changes. He is here with me in Denver just as He was in Albert Lea and in Rochester. He is the same God that blessed me with a wonderful family and amazing co-workers back in Minnesota... and He will remain faithful as I find my place in Colorado.

 

June 22nd

It was a beautiful summer morning in late June of 2011; Wednesday, the 22^nd, to be exact. The sun was shining and the temps were warm with a cool breeze blowing. I was traveling North on Hwy 63 through Lake City on my way to Frontenac State Park. My mind was going about a million miles a minute processing something that my heart just could not ignore despite my solid efforts, so the drive was a nice. It gave me time to think, to analyze and re-think and over analyze. It gave me time to convince myself yet again that maybe I was right, when I firmly knew I was wrong.  There was a 20 minute detour so my drive was particularly long, but I thought and I prayed and I sang to the radio and I thought some more. I was relieved to finally arrive at the campground and hunt down one of my closest friends.

We spent the morning making pancakes, catching up, laughing, and enjoying life. It was nice to have a break from the crazy-insane, over-stimulating drive. Finally, we decided it was time to work off the pancakes and go for a hike. It was while hiking through Frontenac State Park that I finally came to realization that I couldn't fight this internal struggle anymore and I needed a friend to process with. I had been fighting within my own heart about this topic for quite a while, mostly because I knew if I said anything aloud, I would be challenged to face my fears. I still wasn’t ready to face what I had been avoiding for nearly a month, but I was also tired of striving to make sense of it on my own.  For the past three and half weeks I had been fighting the formation of a friendship. We had met at the end of April, but it wasn’t until the end of May that I really felt like I was constantly struggling to remind myself that I did not want to open up my heart. Yet, I couldn’t seem to forget the situation and move forward. I firmly believe today that it was divine intervention; that all along God knew what He was preparing me for and that this was a huge part of it.  So what was so difficult about this friendship that I was so desperately trying to avoid in my life?? It was 870 miles from home.  I was preparing to leave for Denver in eighteen days for my best friend’s wedding and it was wonderful to go and visit my best friend, but I was fully aware of what this attachment might do to me.

As I sat on the bluffs overlooking Lake Pepin, my friend Piper challenged me by telling me, “I think you have to out there and open your heart up to the idea of Denver.”  I knew she was right, but I was terrified. Denver was not in my plans; I had been fighting that fact for weeks. So, I opened up my heart and allowed myself the friendship. A friendship that has been a monumental blessing to me and an instrument of God’s teaching in my life numerous times in the past year.

Friday, June 22, 2012, my flight landed at MSP around 1:00am. I was exhausted as I made my way towards the EZair parking shuttle. It had been an emotional couple of days and all I wanted to do was sleep. It was around 2:30am when I finally climbed into bed and where I stayed for the next ten hours. I remember waking up and frantically checking my phone. No missed calls – so disappointing. I forced myself out of bed, showered, brushed my teeth, and made my way towards Target. It was my weekend to work and I had been instructed to make Guacamole for the community pig-out fest we always had on the weekends. I checked my phone at least every ten minutes to make sure I hadn’t missed any calls. In a conversation with my dad, he told me to stop going crazy and enjoy my weekend; surely, they wouldn’t call before Monday.  And then, my phone rang – it was my good friend Gretchen calling to tell me that they had called her! And within minutes, my phone rang again… it was them. I had applied for this job in January and it had taken five months to hear anything from them, but now, less than 24 hours after I had interviewed, they were calling to offer me the position. I took some time to look over the benefits and ensure that it was really what I wanted, but I promptly called them back and eagerly accepted the position!

Just one year after I finally agreed to open my heart to going wherever God led me, including Colorado, I was proudly announcing that Denver would be my new home.  It still terrifies me, but I see how God has been working in my heart and preparing me each step of the way. I pray that as He continues to open the doors, that I will be faithful in this new chapter, just as He has always been faithful to me!

New beginnings, new adventures, and new opportunities to grow.  I am so blessed that God continues to shower me with His mercy and His grace. Please continue to pray for me as I search for housing and prepare to say goodbye to the only life I have ever really known. I am confident that this is where God is leading me but I am still so sad to say goodbye to so many things that I love. Pray that God will mold me during this time and that I will use this time, the ending of a chapter, to make much of Him.

Baby Beaker's Baby Shower

Dearest Beth,
Words cannot express my joy today.  I am so excited for you and Matt to welcome this little bundle of love into your lives and I cannot wait to meet her, to love on her, to watch her grow. There are seven of us helping host this shower today – six of them have experienced motherhood. Cassie, Erica, Kelly and Maria have welcomed their beautiful children into their lives and have loved and nurtured them for the past weeks and years. Chelsea and Laurie eagerly anticipate the arrival of their little ones with you. I am sure that they all know more about parenting and motherhood than I do. I am sure that they probably have more practical advice and definitely far more knowledgeable experience to share, but Romans 12:15 says to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” So, I might not be the likely choice to speak to you today, but, I am honored to have the opportunity to share in your joy.

There is something about motherhood that changes a person. I am not entirely sure when this change occurs, maybe it is at conception or maybe the moment you realize your pregnant or when you hear that heartbeat for the first time or maybe it is different for each person, but it definitely happens before birth. And that change is something so consuming and so thorough that it alters you at your very soul. Your priorities change and you find yourself willing to take any loss, even physical health, to keep the little tiny person inside of you safe and happy. So Beth, although we have not welcomed “baby beaker,” as I will lovingly refer to her, into this world, I firmly believe you have already entered the world of motherhood. With that being said, you and I now live in two different worlds. I know that someday you will be, at farthest, a phone call away to welcome me into this amazing world, but today, I want to share with you from an outsider’s perspective.

It has been a joy to watch and learn about motherhood from so many wonderful moms, many of whom are in the room today. I could go for a very long time about all the things that I have learned, but because I know that you have learned these same lessons from the very same women, I will only mention a few of my favorites.

Be far more concerned about your child’s heart, then her behavior. It is very natural to be concerned about your child’s behavior, particularly when she is lying on the floor of your local Target while kicking and screaming and everyone is staring at you.  However, if we spend too much time focusing on the outward behavior of our children, then we lose out on a valuable opportunity.  Mark 6:45 says: “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”   Our behavior is only indicative of what is going on in our hearts – this same truth applies to Baby Beaker as well.  Although there are times, like in the middle of Target, you must stop and immediately correct her behavior, remember to take the time and effort to instruct her in the ways of God’s truth, so that her heart will produce the type of behavior that is honoring to God.

You are raising an adult, not a child.  Often times it is easy to focus on getting through “this stage.” They don’t call it the terrible twos for nothing. Sometimes, you have to grab onto the truth that “this too shall pass,” but remember eventually childhood itself passes.  Proverbs 22:6 says: “Train up a child in the way she should go; even when she is old he will not depart from it.” Remember, that ultimately, you are not raising Baby Beaker to be a beautiful five year old, ten year old, or even sixteen year old, but you are raising her to be a godly woman, one who fervently and authentically follows Christ and desires to serve Him with her whole life.

Protect your marriage.  One of my favorite quotes about parenting is from John Wooden, who says, “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.”  Not only is this true for Matt, but it is also true for you. The best thing you can do for Baby Beaker is love and respect Matt and to nurture your marriage. Your marriage, if kept strong and true, will provide the secure environment Baby Beaker needs to feel safe and loved. Take the time and make the effort to love Matt the very best that you can and I encourage him to do the same for you. Worship together, grow together, love deeply, serve your mate, be quick to apologize and don't take your marriage for granted.

Believe in the Power and Possibility of the Future. In her book, Cold Tangerines, Shauna Niequist talks about how it is perfect it is that the Messiah came as a baby. “Not because of his helplessness, but because of the possibility every baby hold.”  She explains that “babies make us believe in the possibility and power of the future.” It is so true.  Holding a new born baby makes us realize that life is in fact good. That this child will go on to have a future full of endless possibilities, that the hope found in tomorrow is powerful because of the redemption God gives us. Babies give us hope. So on the rough days, when all you want to do is give up, look at your beautiful daughter and realize that God has a plan and a purpose for her life. Her life is the very essence of God’s power for she is, in fact, a miracle, home-grown by God himself and just being her mom opens up new doors and possibilities for your future as well. 

And no matter what, remember that we all love you very much and are here to support you, encourage you, and pray for you as you continue on this beautiful journey of motherhood

Love, Kathryn

a practice as opposed to a feeling

It’s kind of a rough day for me. I am feeling trapped, stuck, unable to move forward. I feel claustrophobic. Reality is sneaking up on me and new plans are not unfolding. God is reminding me to rely on Him, to wait on Him, to trust Him. Today marks the beginning of the end for me. Yesterday, I sat down with my calendar and came to the realization that I only have a month’s worth of four day weekends left. I am looking at the calendar and seeing the increased amount of time on the road commuting to work and the decreased amount of time in the air flying to see friends. Yet, I know that God will provide for the things He wants to accomplish in my life. It’s just hard to accept that it’s not in my timing. God has not forgotten about me, He has not left me in this chapter of my life in vain. He is accomplishing something in my heart and in my life, and maybe He is still accomplishing something through me in this season.

So to quote one of my favorite authors, “I absolutely believe that gratitude is a way of life, a practice as opposed to a feeling, and I want to be the kind of person who chooses to be grateful for what is instead of angry about what isn’t.”

So, I am choosing gratitude. I am choosing to be thankful. Even though I feel like curling up and crying, I am choosing to defend my heart against Satan’s attacks and complacency. God has provided for me. He will continue to provide for me. So instead of mediating on how stuck I feel, I will notice the little things; little things like a great play list in iTunes, text messages from sweet friends in Colorado, coffee this morning with one of my favorites, the dog who follows me around the house with her bone, the beautiful sunshine and spring air, hiking with a long-time friend, inspiring facebook statuses, the house to myself for a couple hours, a purpose and a calling in life, a Savior who came to redeemed my whole life and give me joy abundant. May I honor and glorify Him today!!

Waterskiing in March

There are some things in life that you could have never imagined. Waterskiing in Minnesota in the middle of March is definitely one of those things for me, yet here I sit watching more than one boat out on Fountain Lake pulling a skier. It is a beautiful 79 degrees out; it’s sunny and feels like a perfect June day. Four days ago the lake was still frozen but with the unseasonably warm weather we have had this week, it only took a day or two to completely thaw the lake and now we have boats and skiers. As I sit here and think about how unbelievable this scenario is I am reminded about two very important life lessons.

God loves to surprise us with unthinkable blessings. James 1:17 states, “Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights who does not change.” God loves us, He made us in His image, He made to be just lower than the angels –crowning us with glory and honor (Hebrews 2), and He knows the number of hairs on our head (Luke 12) but yet, I seem to forget that God values me and that it is His desire to bring good into my life. I never doubt the goodness of my earthly father, but how is it that God has to continuously remind me that He only wants good things for me. I love surprises and I definitely love surprising the people I care about. I love simple things like unexpected text messages or receiving flowers for no reason. So, why am I surprised that God loves to surprise us with tokens of His affections? Of course God will give us warm summer days in the middle of March because He loves us and wants to continuously show that love to us. Just as I wasn’t expecting a week of seventy and eighty degree weather in the middle of March, there are a lot of things that God wishes to bless me with that I could not even imagine. It took countless years of freezing my butt off to appreciate what seventy-nine degrees feels like March 16th. So I will choose to surrender to the seasons of cold in my life because I know that God is preparing me to enjoy His surprise of warmth and growth in my future.

Furthermore, the circumstances surrounding my life today do not predict what my life will be tomorrow. Merely four days ago you could not see open water on the lake anywhere other than maybe a foot or two around the shoreline, but now there are boats, water picnics, children wearing shorts and tank tops under their life-jackets, and water skiers. Just because the circumstances surrounding my life look bleak does not mean my future looks bleak. God is the God of the impossible. God is capable of turning dreams into reality. Things may look grim today, but God isn’t willing just to leave things looking grim. He is using the harsh and cruel things in my life to refine me, so that He can create beauty and goodness in me. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you a future and a hope.’” It baffles me to think about that. God not only KNOWS my future, He PLANNED it. I do not know what the future holds for me. I know where I think God is calling me and what I think He is calling me to, however when I consider the circumstances, I can easily become discouraged because the opportunities seem dreary and impossible. But in just a few days time, God can change nothing into something very big and very real and very promising.

So I will appreciate the weather this week, not only because I wore a cute skirt and flip-flops as I enjoyed an evening walk in the warm air last night, but because seventy degree weather in March is God’s promise to me that He is not done with me and that the best is yet to come!!

A Story of God's Faithfulness: Friendship and Technology in 2011

Sometimes, most of the time really, I forget how capable God is. I limit God to human abilities. For the majority of my life, I have been guilty of looking at my life and thinking, “It’s hopeless; I might as well give up now.” In 2011, God changed my perspective in a number of ways. He repeatedly blew me away as He revealed to me how truly capable He was. He did this in a number of ways, most which I have shared about on this blog or in person. However, there is one story that has not been told and that is the story I want to tell today.

There is a lot of talk today, particularly in the Christian world, about how social media is destroying relationships. Facebook in particular is often accused of ruining our ability to actually connect with people. The accusation is that instead of friendships, Facebook leaves us with a false sense of knowing someone when really we only know about them. There is good and evil in everything – technology is no different. I have seen bad and painful results from technology, however God has used it for good in my life.

In 2011, God brought four very distinct friendships into my life that were the direct results from technology. They are friendships that are so unique, so richly blessed, so out of the ordinary that only God could have coordinated them. Two of them have crossed state lines, one of them crossed international borders, but all of them have deeply penetrated the walls that I had built around my heart and I know that I will never be the same because of these friendships. I know that these are God’s gifts to me because they are friendships that I never could have forged on my own; they would have been impossible if not for God.

I met these four friends throughout the year, the first one being in April and the last being in December. God knew the order in which these people needed to enter my life. God had a purpose to accomplish in my life through each of these friends and these accomplishments built on each other. I never would have been able to form the last friendship had God not accomplished His will in my life through the first three.

The first friendship is a story all of its own. I have tried to write that story multiple times. Never have I been able to get to write it in less than 4000 words and even then, I have not been able to communicate the way God transformed my heart through that friendship. So that one will continue to wait but today I want to share the stories of the last three.


Kristin Kishaba:
Kristin and I first met in July. We had geared up, along with five other women, to give our good friend, Kara, the best possible last week as a single lady. I felt an instant friendship form with Kristin. I initially felt that this was most likely due to our mutual Midwestern roots or maybe it was the fact that we had both obtained Bachelor’s degrees in Education at colleges in Minnesota. (There is something about the Praxis II that bonds people even without acknowledging that experience.) The entire bridal party was absolutely wonderful and I was thankful that Kristin did not seem intimidated by my overzealous and slightly overbearing personality the week of Kara’s wedding. However, the night before the wedding as the bridesmaids and personal attendant sat around talking, through our conversations, Kristin and I realized we had more in common than we thought. Through the weekend, Kristin continued to take a personal interest in my life and some of the things that were going. The week of the wedding had been filled with text messages, however in the weeks that followed the wedding Kristin returned to her teaching position in Costa Rica where she no longer had cell service. In the months that followed, Kristin and I kept up through Facebook. We sent long messages back and forth keeping the other updated on life and what God was teaching us. When Kristin returned for a brief visit in October, our friendship was just as strong as if we had been living in the same city. Kristin and I knew that we could relate to each other’s past, but we had no idea how God was preparing and blessing us for our futures. It has been six months since Kristin and I met, however, God knew that we would be walking the same path today, a path that is teaching us to completely and exhaustively trust in God. This path would be harsh, lonely, and terrifying if I didn’t have someone to walk it with, someone to help me stand after I have stumbled, someone to encourage me when I am tired, and someone to reassure me that God still has a plan when I forget. It has been an honor to walk this journey of life with someone whose heart is as beautiful as Kristin's. And I am reminded that God will always provide what we need and sometimes those provisions come through something that seems childish like Facebook.

Nicole Youel:
I first met Nicole at a baby shower for my sister about four years ago. The baby shower was being hosted by the young marrieds’ class at my sister’s church which Nicole and her husband had recently started attending. I remember a brief conversation with her, she was sweet and down to earth, easy to talk to but after the shower was over I did not speak to her again until early in 2011. Nicole often subbed for a monthly girls’ Bunco night that I was a part of. We played once or twice together and soon became Facebook friends however I still would have considered her an acquaintance as best. In the middle of July, I received a message from Nicole saying that, although she couldn’t explain it, I had been on her mind frequently and she wanted to let me know she was praying for me. Her note meant a lot to me and in a somewhat unexpected response from myself, I spilled my heart and soul out in my reply. I shared everything that God had been doing in my life, my dreams and fears, my frustrations, and where I felt stuck. I shared with her things I hadn’t even shared with my closest friends. I received a response from Nicole a few days later. While certain things didn’t make sense in our individual stories, it became quite evident that God was completing a good work in our lives when our stories came together. Nicole shared what God had taught her through my response. At the time, Nicole and her husband were waiting to adopt a baby. They had completed the entire process and now were just waiting for a birth mom to pick them to raise her baby. I was humbled and amazed by Nicole’s response, “Please know that I am praying for you each time my heart is heavy and aching for a child.” I cannot explain to you the amount of love I felt through those words, that this woman that I barely knew was dedicated to praying as much for me as she was for the desires of her own heart. Our friendship has continued to grow. We have gone from Facebook messages to coffee dates, phone calls, and long long chats. She pushes me to seek God in my own life through her words and through her example. Her encouragement is often a tonic for my soul and I am blessed to have someone who confirms God’s calling in my life. Nicole and I had known each other for years and even interacted socially however God used Facebook to connect us and teach us both about His goodness and faithfulness in our lives.

Danya Prado:
I am not even sure where to start. Danya and I have never met yet she is one of the biggest encouragements in my life. She knows my heart, my struggles, and my dreams. We live in different time zones, we have never spoken, and we have never even sent a text message to each other. Our entire friendship has been through email and Facebook. Danya and I share one mutual friend. That’s our entire, earthly connection, but God is bigger than that. Danya was having a rough day in the beginning of December. Without my knowledge, our mutual friend forwarded her an email that I had written about a week before hoping it would be an encouragement to her. Danya, in her response to our mutual friend, suggested that I write a book, which is something I had been urged to consider the previous week. So her email was forward to me in attempts to convince me that there were others who thought the same thing. I was blessed by Danya’s email and wanted to encourage her, so that afternoon I took some time to sit down and write to her, sharing with her some of the things I had learned in my own life. And from there our friendship not only took root but bloomed and has not stopped growing. I love Danya’s honesty and willingness to share what God is teaching her, but I also love her ability and willingness to invest in my life. There is a connection between Danya and I that I can only explain as a result of sharing the same creator and savior. I feel privileged to stand next to her when the battle lines of life are drawn and support her in whatever way I can help. And I cannot tell you how comforting it is to know that she is doing the same for me. Her words bring comfort and encouragement into my life in a way that is unique to our friendship and I am blessed to call her my friend. And while email is a prevalent theme in this story, it appears that Facebook really played no part. However, it is important to note that the friendship I share with our one mutual friend was formed solely by God’s faithfulness and Facebook. If it had not been for Facebook, the first friendship never would have existed, and if the first friendship had not existed, I never would have been introduced to Danya.


Only God is great enough to orchestra and coordinate something as elaborate as these friendships, but I love that He is personal enough to know how much I needed them. I am convinced that God will always provide. It is true that my life is hopeless and left on my own I might as well just give up, but I have been redeemed by a God who is so very capable that He can create beauty from ashes and even form friendship from technology.

Enjoying Winter

I enjoyed the snow today. I didn’t so much enjoy during my hour-long morning commute yesterday. I definitely didn’t enjoy it going in and out of patients’ houses in the middle of the night. But today, quite surprisingly, I enjoyed the snow–maybe even the colder temperatures. I have been dreading this season for weeks, wishing and hoping that a winter miracle might occur and we would enjoy the entire season without snow and cold. But while driving across town today, I was so grateful for the snow and how it reminded me that it truly was winter.

Life is like the changing seasons. Each chapter brings a new season and just as most of us spend our time waiting for winter to pass and for spring to come in regards to the weather, we often spend our lives waiting for the signs of new life in our hearts; waiting for the proof that God is still at work in our lives.

Lately, I have been pretending that my life is in the season of spring when really I am in the dead middle of winter. I have been so aware of God’s goodness in my life recently. I feel as if every small blessing is God’s gift directly to me. While some may think this to be haughty of me, I believe that is how God wants us to view our lives. Every good and perfect gift comes down from the Father of lights. The warm temperatures and lack of snow this winter were just what I needed to finish up home-improvement projects, pack up, and move out of my house. I was so grateful that God provided for me in that way. All the warm temperatures and rain have made me believe that this is spring. It feels like March and April in Minnesota, shouldn’t it be spring in my life as well??

But as I was driving across town today, I was struck with the feeling of winter. Strangely, it wasn’t a feeling of despair, but a feeling of peace and serenity. It was a time to slow down, a time to hibernate, a time to stay inside and be warm, a time for family and loved ones. In that moment, I realized that God had extended autumn for me. He gave me a beautiful season of closure in Albert Lea. He provided for me and He had poured out His love to me through His people – it was a time in my life as beautiful as the autumn leaves. And now, I anticipated spring. I expected the starting of a new chapter, the wonder of new life and a new season of growth. But, I had forgotten about winter. We all hate winter – but it has its place in the circle of seasons. Nichole Nordeman, in her song Every Season, explains that winter is beautiful because “even now in death, You open doors for life to enter.” God is giving me this season of winter in my life to allow me the time to process, let certain things in my life die so that God gave bring spring into my heart and life.

I had already become weary. I had seen an enormous amount of movement from God in the past year of my life. And after living in Rochester for only two short weeks, I have already started to notice discouragement creep into my heart. Where is God? Why hasn’t He opened the next door? What is my purpose in this season and what does the next chapter hold? It had only been two weeks and I was coming down with a horrible case of spring fever. But I must remind myself that this is not March, it is still the dead of January in the calendar of my life. God has set me in this season and when He is ready to surface the green of spring in my life, He will - but not a moment before He wants to do so. My job is to enjoy winter.

How does one enjoy winter when it comes to the seasons of life? The very same way we enjoy the winter when it comes to the seasons of the year. As the temperatures turn colder and the air becomes crisp, we look forward to early evenings tucked in at home, home-cooked meals, baked goods, fun in snow, delight in the eyes of children when a snow day is announced, and most of all the we enjoy the beauty of a warmth that comes from within even on the coldest of days. God has given me this season of winter and at first it seems dreary and miserably cold, but it is an opportunity to rest, to curl up by the fire place with a good book, to spend time with some wonderful, beautiful, and encouraging friends. It’s a time to hibernate knowing that God still has something big for me – a new opportunity to glorify Him – waiting just around the corner.

What we so often hate about winter is that it seems to last forever, we lose hope that spring will ever come. And I am sure that I will become discouraged about winter at some point, but it is said that “No winter lasts forever; no spring skips its turn” (Hal Borland). God has a time and purpose for every season and I have two choices during this time. I can chose to focus on how late springs seems to be during this year of my life or I can chose to praise God for the beauty that is found in winter. So, today as I enjoy the snow, I chose to enjoy this season knowing that God has not forgotten and this is the season He has ordained for this time in my life.

Christmas, Expectations and Perceived Failure

Life has been intensely crazy lately. I am increasingly surprised at how fast time flies. Last week, by God's provision, I leased my house out long-term and managed to pack up all of my belongings in only 4 short days. God has opened my eyes to a lot of things in the past several months but especially in the past few weeks; there have been so many things that I have a hard time keeping them all straight in my head. Most of all, God continues to teach me to rely on Him for day-to-day needs and I am truly humbled by how deeply involved God wants to be in my life.

Two weeks ago, I ended a phone conversation feeling confused and overwhelmed by the enormous amount of things running through my head. As I was trying to sort out everything that I was thinking and feeling, I was extremely discouraged. It wasn't a sadness or anxiety, but major discouragement. I learned something about myself that night. I have this entirely horrible habit of labeling things in my life.

In the month of November, while visiting friends in Denver, one of them accused me of focusing too much on labels. My response to this was that labels were not so important to me but rather expectations were. By giving things a title, or a label, you clearly identify what something is, what something is not, and what behaviors are required from those who are involved in that situation. I like knowing what is expected of me. I flourish under structure and expectations give me structure. Now, I don't think that this is a bad thing - in fact, I still think that it is a very good thing to know what others expect from me in various situations of life. However, often times, I set my own expectations about experiences and relationships. When those situations or relationships do not turn out as I expected or anticipated that they would, I am quick to label them with an ugly stamp of "FAILURE." Without giving much thought to the situation or what it was God wanted to accomplish in my life through these circumstances, I quickly cast them aside, regarding them as worthless and labeling them as major failure.

An interesting tidbit of information about this startling behavior in my life is that this is a behavior that I use mostly on myself. I cannot think of a time or situation that I have labeled any of my friends' experiences as “failure” simply because things did not turn out the way either of us had expected. This tidbit of information shows that I still struggle with seeking my value in something other than God; it shows that I am content in believing that as long as I am "successful" in my own expectations then I feel valued. What an atrocious and appalling lie that I have been so quick to believe!! There is so much contentment, satisfaction and joy in being and feeling valued, but feeling valued as a result of a cheap substitute robs me of all of that contentment, satisfaction, and joy. I am not loved because I am valuable - I am valuable because I am loved (and treasured) by the all-powerful God of the universe. When I allow Him to speak truth into my life and seek my value in Him that is the only place I can find contentment and joy. When I seek to find my value in the "success" of my own expectations, I am left feeling empty and discouraged when things to do not go the way I anticipated. When I choose to find my value in God alone, I need not ever be discouraged because my worth never varies. "God expects us to be good stewards of what He has given us but not perfection. He will use your failures just as much as He will use your successes, because without Him - everything is a loss." (Author unknown). You see, my friend, there is no such thing as success or failure when your life is hidden in Christ. God chooses to use everything for our good and His glory when we choose to honor and obey Him with our lives. We may still make mistakes, we will still sin and yes, we will pay the consequences for that sin... but just because something doesn't turn out as you hoped and dreamed it would, doesn't mean that God isn't up to something amazing.

For so long I viewed my life as a road trip. God has equipped me with the things I need like a reliable vehicle, the oil-change, the tire rotation, the fuel, even the snacks. I have viewed myself in the driver’s seat with God in the passenger seat, map in hand, acting as my navigator. And so often I have become frustrated and discouraged when the trip hasn't gone the way I planned (probably because we've had to stop too many times for people to use the bathroom). The scenery isn't what I expected, the distance is longer than I anticipated, I am weary of sitting in the car, and for the life of me I can't find any good music on the radio. But I am learning to see things a different way. Although God does want to navigate my life for me - He has given me this amazing GPS called the Holy Spirit (move aside Garmin). He doesn't need me to drive for Him, He doesn't need me to read the map, He is inviting me to relinquish the wheel and take the passenger seat, to open the sunroof , put on my sunglasses, enjoy the beautiful scenery, feel the warmth of the sunshine and sing along with the radio. He invites me to enjoy the journey if only I will lay my expectations aside and let Him guide the desires of my heart.

God has bigger plans for me than I ever had for myself. The problem is that sometimes I let my expectations and my (selfish) dreams cloud my vision. I don't understand what God is doing so I am quick to stop trusting. But God does not call us to figure out His plan, He calls us to obey. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:9). And as confusing as they ways of God may be "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong." (1 Cor 1:27). A prime example of this is the birth of Christ. As Charlie Sandberg of Faith E-free Church in Ft Collins, CO points out "Jesus' coming was not how anyone expected it to be. Instead of being born in a palace – He was born in a small, damp stable. Instead of coming in glory – He came as a helpless baby. Instead of coming to rule – God came to serve – to rescue – to lay down his life to save your life and my life." The birth of Christ did not meet people's expectations which by my standards would label it as a failure; however, this is not a failure, this is the biggest success of all time. In failing to meet every one's expectations, God still managed to reach down and rescue all of mankind from an eternity spent apart from Him and give us life and joy abundantly.

As you move forward from this Christmas season, I encourage you to enter the New Year by laying down your expectations of 2012 and ask God what He wants to do in you and through you in the year the come!!

A Story of God's Faithfulness: The Ending of a Chapter

It has been a crazy week for me. On Monday, I agreed to lease my home starting January 1st for the next year and half. While many people are surprised to hear the news that I am leaving Albert Lea, it has been in the works for a while.

In January 2011, I was serving on Crossroad's Leadership Board as well as serving as Interim Coordinator of Youth Ministries at Crossroads Church. We were without a senior pastor as well as a youth pastor and our executive pastor had just announced his resignation. This left our Worship Pastor and Director of Children's Ministries on staff for ministry positions. It was a crazy busy time for the church. I was up to my ears in responsibility and felt very sure that God had called me to Crossroads for this exact time and purpose. I knew that I was suppose to be serving in the capacity that I was. However, it was in January that I began to sense that God was preparing my heart to leave Albert Lea - it was as if a small whisper was repeatedly telling me that my time in Albert Lea was coming to a close. At first I thought the idea was crazy. How could God be calling me away when I was doing exactly what He had called me to?? But the feeling would not subside; it was not over-powering but a sure and steady urging that God was preparing me for something new. By the time March came around, I began to pray daily that God would reveal to me what He desired for my life. In June, I decided that I would continue to pray on the matter but if I still felt that God was calling me out of Albert Lea, then I would put my house on the market in the fall.

September 1st came and I still felt very confident that God wanted me to move forward. I spent the most enjoyable Labor Day weekend in Denver and when I landed at MSP late in the evening on Labor Day, I knew that my house would be going on the market. However, I spent the next several days second guessing myself. ALMC EMS was by far the best job EMS could ever offer me. I loved my co-workers, I loved my job responsibilities and I was good at my job; Was I really ready to give all that up? I spent the week asking God to confirm what it was He wanted for my life. It was on September 12th that my employer announced that they were cutting our 24 hour shifts down to 12 hour shift, thus cutting our salary by nearly fifty percent. And in one quick announcement, the most promising job EMS could ever offer me was gone. I had 6 months to figure out what I was doing and I so clearly saw that God was confirming that my time in Albert Lea was coming to a close. I told God that I was willing to leave to Albert Lea, but that He was going to have to find me a buyer for my house. I reassured myself that God knew the buyer and He knew the timing. I put my house on the market on November 9th - and a month later I still had no showings.

Last Monday it was suggested to me that I should rent my house to Crossroad's new Senior Associate Pastor. I had considered this when I first put my house on the market, however, I naturally assumed that their family of 5 would be looking for a 4 bedroom house. After being informed of the difficulties they were having in finding a suitable home, I began to make a few inquires as to this possibility of renting to them and have felt an ever-increasing peace that this what God wants me to do. This week, we signed a lease and once again God has confirmed that He is calling me out of Albert Lea and provided a way for me.

This week has been a flurry of activity. Somehow (only by the grace of God), I managed to pack up my entire house in 4 days. I have often brought to the brink of tears when I consider the work God has done in my life the past three years. I am humbled by His provisions, His grace, His faithfulness, and His constant presence in my life. I am particularly humbled that He would allow me to serve His Bride, the church, here at Crossroads in Albert Lea. The past three years have contained some of the most difficult and painful experiences of my life, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. I am convinced that life's biggest blessing and greatest reward is to be used by God and that is something that God has allowed me to experience. I am humbled that the people here in Albert Lea who have loved me, both at Crossroads and in the EMS department. God is truly good.

I have learned a lot during this season of my life and I would like to take the opportunity to share some of those things. These have been life changing lessons and I am so grateful that God continues to work in my life and heart.

1) God is who He says He is: God is completely sovereign. He is infinite in wisdom. He is perfect in love. Everything that He ordains or allows in our lives is for His glory and our good – His very character and love for us stops Him from allowing anything in our lives that He will not used for our good and His glory.

2) I am who God says I am: My entire worth and value comes from God. It is He who created my heart and He is the one who redeemed it. Without Him, I am nothing. Nothing or anyone in this world has the ability to define me or give me worth. I will never be satisfied or content in life unless I am finding my value in Him. When I seek my value from Him, He will use my life as a mirror to reflect His glory to others around me. I may be the loudest person you know, but I pray that my spirit will that be that of one who is rich in meekness and gentleness.

3) God is deserving of my trust and I am truly capable of trusting Him: God has taken me down an interesting path during this time. A path that has allowed me to experience a great deal of pain and hurt and for a while, I began to doubt His goodness in my life. Why would God call me to something only to have those circumstances break my heart?? But He is has shown me that He is truly good and He will only bring things into my life that will be for my good and His glory. God is not as concerned with our comfort as much as we are. He is willing to allow us to go through trials if they will better us, make us more like Him, and bring us joy as an end result. He has taught me what it means to trust Him and not my own logic. Even when things don’t make sense, He is still trustworthy. Not only has He shown me that He is deserving of my trust but that despite the appearing senseless circumstances of my life, I am still capable of trusting Him.

4) I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength: God has used my time in Albert Lea to show me that I am capable of doing anything that He calls me to do as long as I rely on Him. It may be exhausting. It may be heartbreaking. It may not make any sense of the time. But God calls me to obey and sometimes that means nothing more than one step at a time with a willing heart. He will take care of the rest.

5)Perspective: My perspective changes everything. When I choose to view my life through the lens of truths listed above that means I can rest assured that God is up to something good in my life. So many times in my life I have spent so much time and energy focusing on the East waiting for the sunrise that I have missed the beautiful sunset that God has created in the West. I must change my perspective and learn to match my heart to God’s – it is then that I will see God’s beauty and sovereignty in every situation in my life.

6) Discerning God’s Will: I learned a lot about discerning God’s will during this season of my life. This lesson first became evident in my life during a sermon in which Glen Stevens announced His resignation at Crossroads Church. God began to open my eyes further to this lesson this past year as I listened to His prompting in my life and while hiring a senior associate pastor for Crossroads.


Glen’s message taught me some good practices to apply to my life while trying to discern God’s will in my life.

*Walk with God: Live your life on a day-to-day basis with God. Learning to hear God’s voice comes from spending regular time in his Word. And then pray, pray, pray, pray, and pray some more.
*Walk with others who walk with God: talk to your closest friends (assuming that they are believers), avoid solitary confinement, and get outside advice from people with experience – Proverbs 11:14. Accountability and godly counsel are so important in discerning God’s will for your life.
*Look inside and out: Don’t ignore your feelings but don’t trust them either. Look for evidences of confirmation.
*Obey God: Obey God’s calling when you clearly feel Him convicting you of direction and need to move (Proverbs 3:5-6).



I have also learned that there are four basic principles to consider when trying to discern the will of God. You could call them steps to walk through when considering any decision in your life.

1)Scripture. The will of God will never contradict the Word of God. Scripture is the most important thing you can consult when making decisions. It is far easier to compare things to Scripture when you are in the habit of reading and meditating everyday.
2) Holy Spirit. John 15 describes the Holy Spirit as "the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father." God gives us the Holy Spirit for the very purpose of convicting of His truth. Often times we describe the Holy Spirit as a feeling which can make it difficult to differentiate between the conviction of the Holy Spirit and our own emotions. That is why it is so important to revert back to step one to make sure what you are "feeling" or are convicted of matches with God's Word
3) Godly Counsel: Proverbs 13:20 tells us that those who walk with the wise will be wise. It was never God's plan for us to journey life alone. Matthew 18:20 says, "Whenever two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them." God certainly uses other believers to speak truth into our lives.
4) Common Sense: Now while the will of God may not always seem logical, God did give us sound minds and intends for us to use them. If something seems to go against common sense, it is wise to reconsider it... and revert back to steps 1-3. Even the times when God's will does not appear to follow common sense - God usually opens the doors to make it evidently clear what He requires of you.

Because I know many of you will ask, I have no idea what is next. I anticipate that I would continue to work in Albert Lea and commute from Rochester until at least March 14th. I do feel that God is preparing me for something new, in some place new. I am praying and asking God to reveal what that opportunity is for me. In this entire process, God has never revealed more than one step at a time to me. I believe that God is teaching me to trust Him and asking me to step out in obedience. I feel confident that God will reveal what the next chapter in my story looks like in His own timing, but in the mean time I would appreciate your prayers in the matter.

Giving Thanks Comes Before Joy

Thanksgiving has taken on a whole new meaning for me this year. My eyes have been opened to God's goodness and my heart is full of gratitude for the wonderful things He has done in life. I can't help but notice this holiday season that I have no more to be thankful for than I have any other year - maybe I even have less. With the impending loss of hours at work, the increased frustration with my job, placing my house on the market, and uncertainty of what the future holds for me I am a bit surprised to find myself a thousand times more thankful than I have been in the past years. I have done a great deal of thinking over this paradox the past few days and I am coming to realize that it has been an interesting journey to arrive at this place and that this journey has not happened by accident.

God is teaching me that thanksgiving, the act of giving thanks, comes before joy and before giving thanks comes trusting. Maybe this doesn't come as a surprise to you but it does to me! I always thought that we should give thanks out of the joy that we have already experienced. In reality, though, recognizing God's blessings in our lives and living a life of gratitude before Him is what brings joy to our lives.

However, recognizing His blessings in our lives is not as easy as we often think it might be. Each one of us has struggles, hurts, heartaches, and trials that make day-to-day life difficult. Some of us know the definition of tragedy because we have lived it out in our own lives. Sometimes, the plain and simple uncertainty of tomorrow causes us to lose hope and we begin to doubt God's goodness in our lives. This is where I have been for quite some time - living without the realization of hope and doubting God's goodness in my life. Being uncertain of God's plan for my life caused me to become hard-hearted and even somewhat bitter. It is important for you to know that I have always had a great life - God has always bestowed upon me wonderful blessings. I was active in seeking Him and His will for my life, but something was missing - something vital to every Christian's faith journey, namely a willingness to trust God.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understand. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.
(Proverbs 3:5&6)

God opened some really big doors in my life this year. Not necessarily opportunities but rather lessons that He wanted teach me. Not through sermons or Bible studies, but through revealing Himself to me in everyday life. God has taught me that He is trustworthy and that trusting Him is the single most valuable thing I can do to strengthen my relationship with Him. This means trusting Him for the sale of my home, graduate school, a new job, friendships, a husband, and His timeline for all of these things. If I believe that God is truly wise, supremely sovereign, and working all things for good, then why do I need to worry about anything? Doesn't He have it all under control?

It is through trusting God that I have come to realize how blessed I am. It is amazing that once I stop spending my energy on worrying about what comes next and trying to figure out the things I can't do anything about how much time and energy is freed up for me to focus and enjoy the amazing things that God has given me today. By choosing not to worry about tomorrow, I have found that I actually love every minute of today and I find myself with a heart full of gratitude. I now see how much I have to be thankful for and the more I praise and thank God for the things He has given me, the more joy I am filled with as I live each day striving to glorify Him.

And So It Finally Makes Sense...

I think nearly every one of us has a time in their life that they can identify as truly miserable. A time that seemed dark and black, where all hope seemed lost. A time that drags on forever and seems that it will never end. A time where all you want to do is just give up, a time when you can't imagine carrying on, but then the sun comes up every morning and life continues.. and you face each day unsure of how you will make it through but somehow you always survive.

For me, that time began the summer of 2008. In the spring I had met the most charming man and before I knew it, he had swept me off of my feet. I had no idea that life could be so wonderful. Everything seemed so fantastic, it seemed like a fairy tale. However, there was a glitch. Somewhere along the way, things got messy and the picture was no longer so clear. I still had a good thing within my reach, but was it really as great as I once thought?? Maybe I had misread the situation?? Maybe this wasn't God's will for me after all?? I began to pray about it and asked God to reveal to me what He wanted me to do. I specifically began praying that God would show me whether I should walk away from this situation or stick it out. This same weekend, I attended a Beth Moore conference with my mom and my sister. It was at the end of the last session, that Beth said something that struck me so strongly that I could not ignore it. She was talking about those in the audience who were walking through a valley of heartache or confusion and she said "I don't know what that valley is, but I promise you, if you persevere through this, there will be a blessing so big on the other side of it, it will not even compare to the suffering you are experiencing now." I felt the Holy Spirit stir in my heart and I felt peace that God wanted me to wait the situation out and see what He would do with it.

This situation went on for two more years and it never seemed to resolve. Many of the people in my life did not understand why I didn't just walk away from it. Finally, I did.. I walked away from the situation telling myself that God would handle it. I walked away 3 times before I made my final exit. It was a devastating time in my life. It hurt so badly. There seemed no hope. I just wanted to be myself again, but yet I didn't know how. I continued to ask myself again and again, "where is God in all of this?" Although I never voiced the words, my heart repeatedly asked "God - why did you have me walk down this path if all it was going to do was break my heart?" Although I was not aware of it, there was a part of me that became rebellious. Please understand, I was still actively seeking God. I knew that God was faithful and He had a plan for me.. but just because I knew that, didn't mean I truly believed it. In my hurt and in my anger, I began to doubt God's goodness in my life. I felt betrayed. I had trusted, I had obeyed... and when it was all said and done, I felt that I was broken and an empty shell of who God created me to be. Those around me watched in agony - it was incredibly painful for those who loved me as well as myself.

There came a day in this story where I went from indirectly hurting the people I cared about to the time I hurt one of them very directly. I remember standing at the doorstep of a dear friend, sobbing, begging for forgiveness. It was in that moment, I realized that I was allowing this situation to change me into someone I never wanted to be, someone I knew that God did not want me to be. It was that day that I knew I had to make my final exit.

The days and weeks that followed were hard. I was so confused. I didn't understand. I knew that God promised to use all things for good in my life, but I saw no results from that. After two years of questioning myself, my relationship with God and God himself, I finally had to tell myself that I had to accept things for the way they were and accept that I plain and simply did not understand. I resigned myself to submitting to God's will and surrendering all of the heartache to Him even though it seem unfair.

It has been 18 months since I made that decision and it wasn't until this week that I finally realized that God knew what He was doing all along. It did not take me long to be thankful that I was removed from the previous situation, but it wasn't until this week that I finally realized that there was a blessing that was greater than any of the pain I had suffered through.

You see, I think nearly every one of us has a time in their life that they can identify as truly miserable. If I had never suffered through my own misery, I would not be able to provide the encouragement for the ones in my life while they are going through their own misery. I understand what it's like when a friend tells me that she still misses him even though it has been six months, I understand when a friend tells me that the future seems desperately painful and hopeless. I understand what its like when God's goodness seems impossible to comprehend. I understand when a friend chooses to stick with something even when that decision makes no sense to anyone else. I have known heartache and therefore I can share in heartache.

Now, some of you may think that this doesn't really seem like that great of a blessing. But God created me to love others, to care for others, to encourage others... and through this situation He has prepared me to comfort His hurting children. Through this season of heartache and misery, He has equipped me to extend my reach and provide encouragement in ways that I would have otherwise been unable to do. What bigger blessing is there then to be used by God??

Some of you may be struggling right now. Some of you may be going through that truly miserable time in life. But, my God has promised comfort to those who are hurting and He has promised to do all things for His glory and our good. I promise you, if you presevere through this trial - seeking God's will in your life - there will be a blessing so great on the other side of this valley that it will not even compare to the heartache you are experiencing now. Maybe that blessing will look a lot like mine or maybe it will look a lot different, but regardless of the end result you need to know that God has not forgotten you and He does not allow you to walk through this valley in vain.

Fulfillment of Dreams Through Sacrifice

On Wednesday evening, I was lucky enough to host dinner for 10 of the loveliest ladies that reside in Freeborn County. Since purchasing my home in 2008, there are few meals that have been cooked in my kitchen in which I have not complained about the size of my oven. I mean seriously, who installs an oven that isn't large enough for a standard size cookie sheet!!! Through the evening I began to mentally list off the dreams I had - like a bigger oven as I was trying to figure out how to cook five homemade pizzas, like a big and open kitchen to accommodate the ten women who were socializing with me while I was cooking, like a full size dinning room table that would seat twelve. It struck me then that sometimes God calls us to sacrifice certain dreams in order to bless us with the fulfillment of bigger dreams. I will never have a big and spacious kitchen as long as I live in this house, but yet I am so easily upset at the thought of selling it. As I continue to learn to trust God for the day to day as well as for my future, I am learning to see things from a different perspective. God wants to give me good things, but I am too busy balking at the fact that He calls me to sacrifice the smaller things I have now. This thought gave me a great deal of peace - God doesn't want to strip me of the things I love just to leave me hurting and broken, but rather He loves me enough to allow me to go through a painful season of loss in order to bless me so He can fulfill bigger dreams.

The next evening, I had quickly stopped at home after having a wonderful night with my Bunco Ladies!! I wanted to borrow a few things from my dad's garage to get a jump start on some weekend projects. As I followed my dad out to the garage, I began listing off all of the things I wanted to borrow including the shop-vac. He began gathering things from every corner of the garage and he handed me a leaf blower. Now knowing my dad, I figured he had some funny joke to go along with why he was handing me a leaf blower, but instead he said "You said you wanted to borrow the shop-vac, right??" It reminded me of Matthew 7:9-12.

Matthew 7:9-12 “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

In the past month, this verse has been brought to my attention many times. This verse has had a great deal of significance for a friend of mine and I hadn't given much thought of its importance in my life until this situation. Here I was asking my dad to borrow the shop-vac and he handed me a leaf-blower. But just as the verse said, even our earthly fathers know to give us good things. I watched as my dad took the leaf-blower and with a quick removal of a nozzle, he turned the motor to its side, securely placed it in the canister and thus turning what appeared to be a leaf-blower into a shop-vac.

So many times in my life, I have gotten frustrated and discouraged in my walk with God because it doesn't appear that He is giving me good things. The perfect example of this is my frustration, discouragement, and bitterness that came with the loss of hours and loss of income at my current job. I had asked God for good things and this is what happened. I had asked him for a loaf a bread and when He began to prepare my life to give me that loaf of bread, I became angry and refused to let go of the stone I was holding. I look back and see how often I have done this in my life, blindly trusting my logic rather than trusting God. To put it in humanly terms, I cannot imagine how many times God the Father and God the Son have looked down at me and asked God the Holy Spirit, "What is that girl doing now?? Why is she holding that giant rock??" Only for God the Spirit to say "She thinks it's a loaf of bread!"

Thankfully God remains faithful to us even when we are not faithful to Him. He continues to extend grace and pour out a mountain of blessings on me. He has worked to break down the frustration, discouragement and bitterness in my heart. As a result, I can now see that it is me who has failed him and never the other way around. God waits for me to respond to His calling and leading in my life and as I continue to fight to lay down my selfishness and my pride, I can see that truly He is the giver of all good things. I am learning to let go, to hold my dreams with an open hand. And if God chooses to remove things from my life I know that it is only because He has bigger plans for me than I have for myself.

Load Up the Ark and Learn to Walk on Water

The week of September 12th has been a rough one for me as well as many of my co-workers. On Monday, my employer announced that they were cutting each of our hours. Since I was hired in 2005, we have been working 24-hour shifts. It was announced that, system wide, 24-hour shifts were being eliminated, thus decreasing some FTEs by nearly fifty percent. As one might imagine, that is a huge pay cut for us.

I was quite surprised by my reaction. You see, this wasn't a huge surprise for any of us. We all knew eventually this was coming. Nationally 24-hour shifts are being eliminated because of the liability and risk that comes along with them - but we thought we had a year or two before it happened. However, when our staff meeting was mysteriously moved up a week - we knew there was going to be some "bomb dropped" and we all expected that it would be announcement that 12 hour shifts were being implemented. I had several conversations with many co-workers as well as a few close friends about the countless possibilities that this news could bring. I felt prepared. However, when the actual announcement was made and management stated that there was no plan in place to compensate us for our loss of income - I was overwhelmed. I spent the majority of the day in tears trying understand how my whole world had come crashing down in one single announcement. The meeting had started off like any other - but at the end, I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I no longer had any idea where I stood in the world.

But there is more to this story... Let's rewind back to January. At the beginning of the year, I was up to my elbows in responsibility and things that needed to be accomplished. There seemed to be no end in sight. Every where I turned, there were things that required my attention and it had become more and more evident that God has placed me in Albert Lea for an exact time and purpose. Yet, in the midst of all of this, I felt that God was preparing me to leave Albert Lea. When, I was unsure. Why, no clue. For what, not the faintest idea. But, I felt that God was telling me that my time was coming to a close. At first, it all seemed a bit odd, but God continued to confirm to me repeatedly, even throughout this past summer, that my time in Albert Lea was in fact coming to an end.

I was prepared to put my house on the market this fall and wait for what God had me to do. But recently, I have begin to doubt myself. I have always known that I would never find a better job in EMS than the one I have in Albert Lea. Was I really ready to sacrifice that?? Was this really God's will?? Maybe I should hold off until I had something else lined up. I continued to ask God to confirm and reveal what His plans were for me... and then Monday happened. My world fell apart. I have spent hours in tears over this announcement. I love my house. I love my job. I love my co-workers. I love helping people. I love having a job that I excel at. I love being confident enough in what I am doing that I can bring comfort to patients and their families. I love the professional relationships I have with nurses and doctors. I love the things I have learned in this job - things that no other EMS job would have offered me. At 26 years of age, my life looks so different than I ever thought it would look - but the thing I took solace in was that God has blessed me with a job that exceeded my expectations of a career and a beautiful house to call home. Now, that job no longer offers the income I need to pay the bills and I can no longer afford my house payment.


At first glance, it seems overwhelming and discouraging. However, there is hope to be found in the second glance. God has been preparing my heart for this and when I began to doubt myself - God confirmed that my time in Albert Lea is coming to a close. I just thought that God would bring the next opportunity to my doorstep, before He removed the current one.


I was reading in Genesis 6. Most of us know the story of Noah and his Ark... but I found comfort in his story today. God tells Noah - "Listen up, I'm about to flood this earth, so I want you to build a big 'ol boat, take your wife, your sons, your sons' wives, and why you're at it - 2 of every kind of creature on the face of the earth... load them into the big boat along with enough food to feed you all and then I am gonna destroy everything on Earth." (obvious paraphrase). Noah did not know what would come of him, his family and all these animals after this. Noah did not know what would happen next, he did not have a detailed plan for himself, his wife and their children. He did not know what the future would hold - but yet, God gave a command and Noah obey and God did not fail him.

It is often said that you will never walk on water until you get out of the boat. God is commanding me to get out of the boat. And in the midst of this situation, I can make the decision to trust God. There is a difference between reluctantly accepting something because there is no other option and making a conscious effort to trust God because I believe that He is wise, good, and sovereign. God is still in control and I continue to see how He has prepared me for this time. Today, I found a note written in a draft of an email on phone that was a small tidbit of a sermon I heard in July. The note said this "Ps. 37:7. An unknown future is the only guarantee for me. Will I go where God calls me??" Even back in July - God was preparing me because He knew that I was going to need to follow Him into the scariest of circumstances - the unknown.

My first purpose in life has always been and will always be to bring glory to God. One of my favorite authors recently made a statement in her blog that hit home with me, "There’s little glory found in sailing a boat through quiet waters." If I long to bring God glory, I must be willing navigate and sail through troubled waters and when He calls, I must be willing to step out of the boat even when I cannot fathom what good might come out of it.



Psalm 37:7 ~ Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

A Story of God's Faithfulness: A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, I spent the morning packing my bags and preparing to say goodbye to a good friend and the beautiful state of Colorado. The previous week had been wonderful, a week that included a lot of laughter, many old friends, and many reminders of God’s grace in my life. But, I was ready to go home. I was ready to face the adventure that God had waiting for me. A taste of full-time ministry was anticipating my arrival back to Minnesota and although the amount of responsibility scared me, I was thrilled at what God had so clearly pressed upon my heart to do.

As we drove to the Denver airport, Kara and I talked about our upcoming plans. We knew we would see each other again in September and most likely again in November, but we had no idea what God would do in the next year. God has done more in the last year than I could have ever imagined.

I remember the day in late October that Kara called to tell me about this guy she met at a costume party. It was only six short months later that I found myself back in the great state of Colorado helping her put together the plans for her upcoming wedding. I met her fabulous fiancé that week and even some of his friends. The various details all started to come together (even all the little stupid blue ribbons that she asked me to tie). I was so excited about the man God had so perfectly matched her with and how happy she was. I couldn’t help but smile at God’s goodness in her life.

Two months later, I found myself boarding a plane and flying out to Denver again. We squealed with excitement for at least an hour after she picked me up from the airport. My goal was to be the best possible friend I could be – the week was about her. Little did I know what God was going to do in my own life that week. While I was out there God laid the ground work for some pretty important lessons in my life, the biggest of them being an important lesson in prayer.

Prayer is something that boggles my mind. And honestly, it opens a big old can of worms about the debate between free-will and pre-destination. I believe that God is completely sovereign and completely good – all of the time, with no exceptions. Because of that, I have always had the attitude (and still do) that prayer does not change God’s will, it changes us. The more time I spend in prayer surrendering any given issue to God, the more He will change my heart to match His. While I was in Colorado, God allowed me to know the inside story of one of His children who is going through, what I would consider, an extremely difficult time. I was given the opportunity to spend a great deal of time asking God to intervene in this circumstance. Maybe it was because I wasn’t praying for myself, maybe it was because I could see in God’s Word how I knew God wanted to answer this prayer, maybe it was because without God all hope seemed lost, maybe it was simply because I knew there was no other way to help, but regardless of the reason, I became extremely dedicated to praying for this situation and soon I found myself praying about something like I had never prayed before. In the book of James, God tells us to ask with the belief that He is capable and not to doubt that belief. For the first time, I felt like God was showing me what that looked like; what it meant to ask God for His goodness and His mercy, knowing that He could do the impossible if only I had enough faith to ask Him. And I have watched God answer that prayer and He answered in it in a mighty way.

I met a lot of new people while I was in Denver and formed some awesome friendships. One of those friendships is with a wonderful Midwestern girl named Kristin. Kristin was a fellow bridesmaid with me, but since the wedding has returned to Costa Rica to finish a teaching assignment. A few weeks ago, I received a message from Kristin telling me that her college roommate, Nicki, took a teaching job in Albert Lea and would be moving before the end of the summer. And I am so very excited and thankful for the blessing that a new friend brings, especially one that actually lives in my town!!

This morning, as I introduced myself to this new friend over breakfast, I was reminded of where I was a year ago and how much had changed. I remembered my conversation with Kara about what the upcoming year would bring and how God would use us… and I can say with confidence that neither of us expected the changes He brought about.

As I look to the future, asking God what it is He wants for the next year of my life, I am encouraged by the fact that God has been sovereign all along. It has been no secret that in my recent history that God has been teaching me about patience, about waiting without running ahead of Him, waiting without planning out each possible option. And as I look to the future and wait for God, I can honestly say, that I am waiting patiently, that I have surrendered the next chapter over to Him and although some days it is easier than other, that I am content to wait on Him.

Sometimes, it is discouraging that I am not sure what the next chapter is in my life or when God will turn the page, but I am thankful that I have learned that I can confidently go before the throne of God and ask with faith that He will lead me to the next season, to ask that He would even lead me to what seems impossible in my life.

I have been purposeful in my decision to serve God while I wait on Him, however today, God convicted me of the fact that I am not always willing to praise Him while I wait. And I am reminded that He has given me everything I need for life and godliness, that I was bought with a price, that the joy of the Lord is my strength, and that today is the day that He has made and I need to rejoice and be glad in it.

For Kara

Today is finally here. We have been dreaming of it for years, we have been anticipating it for eight months, we have been planning it for weeks, and we have anxiously been awaiting (and preparing for) its arrival together for five days. It is finally here and I could not be happier for you.



Our friendship started in the darkest of places, a college statistics class. I dreaded this class. With math being the least of the things I could ever possibly dream of being successful at, I had been putting it off, but the semester had come and there was no more procrastinating. This was the very first time I saw how our friendship was a testimony to God's faithfulness. Although some may say it was merely coincidence or some may even call it fate, I know that God had planned before the beginning of time that both you and I would enroll in Math 2208 with David Atwood in the Spring of 2005.
I remember the first day of class clearly, I sat in the third row on the east side of the classroom. I arrived slightly early, as I had time to kill between classes and I remember watching you arrive, taking a seat in the second row on the west side of the classroom. I remember thinking "I'm gonna be that girl's friends... she looks like a Christian and together, we are going to make through this class." Now what a Christian looks like, I am not exactly sure, but from the very first moment I met you, you displayed the love of Christ not only with your words and actions, but by your demeanor and attitude. Although I did not comprehend the fact in it's entirety then, you are and always have been a candle on a hill that humbly shines the light of Christ. Unfortunately, it was a few class periods before we ended up in our permanent seats next to each other where we remained for the rest of the semester. If that ridiculous football player would have taken the hint that you were not interested in him, it wouldn't have taken nearly as long. Thank goodness for that away football game that caused him to miss class, so I could rightly steal his seat!



Our friendship began quickly, again by God's grace, He orchestrated a Christian professor who strongly supported study groups and offered to drop our lowest test score if we formed a group and met three times throughout the semester. I have never had this type of offer in any other college class and once again, I see that it was always God's plan that you and I were to be friends.



Little did we know that you and I shared the same group of friends. I will never forget the game night that I walked into the basement of "the guys' house" and at the exact same moment both of us asked the other, "What are you doing here!!" From there on out, we were inseparable.

We have seen each other through the best and the worst, through celebrations like graduation and liscensure in our fields of study and we have each been on the other end of the phone when heartache or tradegy struck, we have enjoy times of laughter and life, but also darkness and sorrow. And through it all, we have encourage and pushed either other to rely on our Creator.

God has used all types of things to strengthen our friendship, things like the Dan Abraham Healthy Living Center, your parent's decision to move, and a trip home to help them, an extra twins ticket, similar cell phones, a strange obession with matching wardrobes, even Wester family night with the Wii. Your friendship is a testimony to God's faithfulness in my life. Each one of this things is an affirmation that God had bigger plans for us than we had for ourselves. I know, without a doubt, that it is God who has ordained our friendship from the beginning just as I know that He ordained your marriage with Jon. Just as He used the littlest, random things to bring you and I together - who knew that He could use a Mario costume, facebook, and a strange seating arrangement at Chili's to bring it all together for you and Jon . He brought someone into your life that suits you better than either you or I could have dreamed of.


Your relationship came together so perfectly that it could have only be composed of by the Father of Lights; for truly, every good and perfect gift comes from Him. Although, I knew you would never settle for anything less than God's best for you - Jon never fails to impress me in his love for you. It is evident that he will spend the rest of his life striving to love you as Christ love the church and that you will always be a beautiful young bride in his eyes. As you prepare to say your vows today, hopefully without hysterical laughing or crying, I know that it is undoubtedly your heart's desire to be the type of wife that Proverbs 31 describes. And even though it is an impossible to accomplish on your own, I promise to encourage you, support you and pray for you as you enter into this holy union.

May God be with you and bless you;
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings,
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

I wish you all the happiest of happy years and a lifetime of love.

God's Perfect Timing

So, its not any news that God has been teaching me a lot about patience lately... I am coming to a point (and its only taken me 26 years to get there) when I think that I am finally starting to understand what it means to be dependent on God and rely on Him for His plan for my life.

I absolutely love when God speaks to me and I am being attentive enough to listen. I recently started reading the book of Luke and I love what God is revealing to me. In the first chapter of Luke, God opened my eyes to something that was so encouraging to my heart.

Now, it is probably not surprising to anyone who knows me that the life I am living today is not exactly the one I would have chosen for myself. Never in a million years was being a paramedic part of my plan, much less living in Albert Lea and working as interim ministry staff for a church. My plans were to be married and raising a small brood of children by now. And as I watch friend after friend marry and move to this whole new stage of life that often leaves me and my friendship behind, I have asked God, "When is it my turn?? I have listened, I have obeyed, why is it me who feels like I just don't have a place to belong"

You see, the problem is that I just don't understand God's timing - I know He has a plan for me and I know He wants whats best for me - But, my heart so often asks the question "God, don't you know how hard this is?" I have always done my very best to make the most of the situation God has given me. Being single doesn't mean I will sit around and wait for life to start - No, God has blessed me too much to take on that attitude. So, instead, I have traveled, I have done missions, I have done my best to minister to others, I have served His people and His church and I have loved every minute of it. But yet, the question remains - "God, don't you know how hard this is for me??

Then on a quiet Tuesday morning during my time with God, He revealed something to me. In the first chapter of his book, Luke tells us about a lovely elderly couple named Zechariah and Elizabeth. Zach and Liz were both godly people, righteous in the sight of the Lord. Zechariah was from the line of Aaron and therefore served with the priestly division of Abijah. Luke says that they observed all the commands and decrees of the Lord blamelessly - but they had no children.

In this chapter, Zechariah is chosen by lot, according to the custom of the priesthood, to go into the temple and burn incense. While he was in the temple performing his job, an angel shows up, just chilling out on the right side of the altar. Now Zechariah's immediate response was that he was a little freaked out.

But the angel said to him, "Do not be afraid, Zechariah, your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son and you are to call him John. He will be a joy and a delight to you and many will rejoice because of his birth." Did you catch that?? I must have read it a hundred times in my life before I paid attention... you see, the angel said "Your prayer has been heard."

Now, I have not faced the hardship of infertility, but I have watched while many of friends struggle with the emotional turmoil that comes along with infertility. I can only imagine that Elizabeth and Zechariah's heartache and pain was just as deep - but God had not forgotten them, God had not turned a deaf ear to their prayer. He just simply had a better plan!!!

Now, some of you might not know the rest of the story. I'll skip some of the details and get to the point - Elizabeth did have a son, even though she was past the age of child bearing. She gave birth to a son named John and just has the angel had said to Zechariah, He brought many of the people of Israel back to the Lord. God commissioned him to go on before Jesus and prepare the way of the Lord. You might know him as John the Baptist.

Had God answered Elizabeth and Zechariah's prayer in their timing - a huge chunk of the story would have been missing; prophecies left unfilled and hundreds would have never heard the gospel. And their son would have been robbed the blessing of being the one who baptised the Son of God and served Him with his whole life.

God has a plan - and His plan is infinitely better than mine. God knows my heart.... but He also knows my pain and believe me, my friends, when I say I do not hurt in vain. God knows what is around the corner and it will be bigger and better than I can plan for myself - and God will bless me for my obedience and desire to serve Him.

So maybe, just maybe, you are hurting too - or maybe you are struggling with what it means to rely on God and His plans for your life - or maybe you are relying on God and the wait just seems to be so long.... if you are, take heart, God has a plan.

1 Corinthians 2:9:
However, as it is written:

“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”—
the things God has prepared for those who love him—